Brainbox Blog
Coping with criticism |
| Posted on Jun 15 2011 |
Having recently completed the marking and assessment of a university course that I teach, I’m now waiting for the students’ feedback and, I have to admit, I’m waiting for it with some trepidation. The survey maintains the anonymity of those who choose to comment and this potentially allows for some fairly no-holds-barred opinions. Having already received some unsolicited feedback about the course, both positive and negative, I’m assuming that this particular group will not be holding back in the survey, as they seem particularly keen to tell me what they think of my teaching! We all know that receiving feedback can be a great thing, in that it allows us to see our actions from someone else’s viewpoint and prompts us to reflect on what we do well and what we might need to do differently to achieve a certain goal. What’s interesting me this week, however, is how feedback and criticism affect people emotionally, and how I can sometimes feel frustrated/irritated/angered/upset (delete as appropriate) when reading comments from people who I don’t even know particularly well and am unlikely to work with again!
Part of this emotional response to criticism comes from my personal investment in my work. I am particularly fortunate to have a job that is aligned with my values, ethics and personal interests: I get to help people live better lives, I have specialist knowledge, and I also have a reasonable amount of autonomy, which satisfies my need for independence. I put a lot of myself into my job and, therefore, to have my good intentions misunderstood and rubbished by someone else, quite frankly, hurts. I’m sure that’s the same for many of you out there who take a great deal of pride in what you do and who have invested time and effort in their work or any other personal project. Emotional responses to criticism are even more profound when it comes to negative comments received from partners, family member and friends. We all know how a thoughtless or throwaway comment can provoke feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and anxiety. Delivered regularly and over time, this form of criticism can be particularly insidious and can eat away at self-esteem, leaving people unwilling to put themselves out there, take a risk or be assertive in any way; even walking away from the person undermining you can become seemingly impossible.
While criticism can indeed be useful, we have to know when to draw a line, step back and assess whether or not the person delivering the feedback is helping or hindering our development. We then have to choose how to react accordingly, so that we maintain both our professional and personal relationships in a positive and balanced way. What follows is advice from a range of sources on dealing with criticism and the emotion that comes with it.
Emotions will pass quickly Criticism and feedback can leave us feeling as high as a kite or like you are suddenly hitting rock bottom. However, the body works to flush emotions out through the bloodstream within about ninety seconds (Dr Cecilia D’Felice, 21 Days to A New You). If the criticism makes you feel terrible, ride it out. You’ll be in a better place in a very short time, so bite back the reply, listen and wait until you feel more composed. You will then be able to choose your response, rather than making an emotionally-charged retort.
Don’t interrupt This is my own criticism ‘vice’ – I’m in there before the person has finished their comments, with the justifications and explanations. Try to hear as well as listen. Don’t come across as defensive and unwilling to see another point of view:
Don’t just dwell on the negative It’s true that we tend to remember and hold onto negative comments more than positive ones, and I see each day how my students quiz me about very minor points for development that I give them, rather than focusing on the fact that the majority of the feedback was very positive! Maintain your perspective and reward yourself for what you did achieve, rather than just going over and over the one or two things that didn’t go so well.
But ignore points for development at your peril! It’s painful to hear, but your detractors might have a point. There could well be an alternative that you hadn’t considered. Come back for another look when you can bear it and that first rush of outrage has passed.
You can choose to ignore unwarranted criticism In her book Ultimate Confidence, Marisa Peer uses the metaphor of a gift when dealing with criticism; you can choose to accept it, or you can choose to give it away. If you have stayed calm and have weighed up the criticism as objectively as you can and still find that it stinks, feel free not to accept the point and let it go. Move on.
Finally, observe your thoughts – don’t be a slave to them The Buddhist practice of mindfulness meditation has a lot to offer here, and GPs in the UK are even starting to recommend meditation as a way to manage tendencies towards anxiety, stress and over-reaction. Just ten minutes a day to clear some headspace and learn to observe your thoughts floating on by can increase your capacity to step back mentally from stressful situations, like receiving criticism, and make a more balanced response. Research is now proving that regular meditation can alter brain chemistry and reduce feelings of anger and aggression over time. Start with useful guides such as The Mindful Manifesto, and Get Some Headspace to help you learn this valuable technique for calming the mind and managing your emotions.
Bring on that student feedback!
Last changed: Jun 15 2011 at 11:10 AM
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